On April 1st the best soap opera ever, General Hospital, will be celebrating it’s 45th birthday! Now wait, keep your pants on. Network honchos are skeptical that GH will make it to 50. (Sad face)

The number of viewers now averages under 3 million, less than a third of the 11.8 million who typically tuned in during the year of Luke and Laura’s wedding. In an effort to stay relevant, the daytime soap opera has begun using computer-generated imagery.

Kelly Monaco’s character, Sam McCall, was recently seen dangling on the edge of an unfinished bridge hundreds of fake feet above a fake raging river after being kidnapped by the Text Message Killer, a mysterious murderer who’d been stalking Port Charles residents for months.

Ugh. I hate CGI. It just looks bad. And the Text Message Killer? Seriously? Holy shit, that is dumb. I see why viewership is dwindling.

I say bring back the old style. I need perms and I need shoulder pads and I definitely need the occasional celebrity guest appearance. So in the mean time, if you are lucky enough to not have a crappy day job (I’m talking to you, alcoholic housewives! Damn you make me jealous.), put your TV on and tune into GH. You don’t even have to watch it! That should buy enough time for those GH writers to see this post and fix the show! Then I can dust off the old VCR and tape it just like the old days. And then I can watch it whilst I Jazzercize.

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